The importance of regulating spaces
Christmas thoughts on how curating our own spaces increases our tolerance for things which dysregulate us
Like a lot of neurodivergent people, I’ve always found Christmas quite stressful. It’s always been annoying, because I actually like Christmas. I like pretty lights and thinking of presents, Christmas music and mulled wine. But travelling to see family, opening presents in front of people (and making the correct face), and the general upheaval of routine is less joyous. As a child I would often find myself crying, either due to overwhelm, or something being different to how I expected. Accidentally “ruining Christmas”. It’s the neurodivergent way.
Christmas day itself, for the past few years, has been much easier, because my partner and I spend it alone, at home, without the pressures of other’s Christmas expectations. It’s a quiet day, in fact it’s not that far off a usual day, except we exchange presents, have much nicer food, and might watch a film. And in comparison to the run up to Christmas, this is blissful. It allows me to manage the family visits and the Christmas socialising, because I know home is a sanctuary. It’s where I can regulate, decompress. There are routines, it’s quiet, it’s ours, it’s mine.
Some aspects of our life probably look odd to others. We spend a lot of time in bed reading books, and eat dinner much later than the average person. We have a lot of time where we’re doing our own thing in a similar space. The house isn’t particularly tidy, but we pick up household chores as we are able, and once a week we have a cleaner.
Having a home environment which fits my needs, and is a bolt hole from the rest of the world, has been the single biggest factor in improving my mental health. I have not had a proper meltdown since living in this house, I am less anxious, have less days off work through fatigue and overwhelm. In deciding to give up on the expectations of others, we’ve made the house somewhere which allows us to function better outside of it.
When I taught autistic students on a transition to college course, we didn’t teach them much about the things they could control, the focus was far more on coping strategies for things they found uncomfortable, such as loud classrooms and going to shops. The message was “you will need to get used to this, or you won’t be able to function in society”. But the message was not “there are things you can do outside of your obligations which will mean your tolerance increases”.
I don’t have much evidence to back up this theory that having a comfortable, regulating home environment can increases your tolerance for external stressors, but I certainly have anecdata. I also suppose that “person-environment fit” theory could be useful here, and general theories of emotional/sensory regulation. But it seems fairly obvious to me. If you can get your home environment to be a space of regulation, then you will have more tolerance for things which are dysregulating.
Of course, not everybody is lucky enough to have a home environment which allows for this. It’s one of the reasons, I believe, that neurodivergent adulthood looks different to neurodivergent childhood, because subconsciously we adapt our environments in a ways which are not possible when we are children. Often, though, as adults we have partners, or live with family or housemates, who do not support or understand our needs, and have expectations of a “norm” of living. And it is a huge privilege to be able to live in a house which is quiet, which is not a shared environment, and is where we choose to live.
I am also mindful here of neurodivergent adults who require support with day-to-day living, who may not be able to live independently, and who do not have a life which is their own. If anything, the ability to make choices, to be ‘allowed’ to carry out regulating activities at any time of day, and to have an appropriate sensory environment and a space of one’s own is even more important for such neurodivergent people. Those of us who live relatively independent lives must continue to advocate for these rights for all neurodivergent people.
I believe that when neurodivergent people are taught coping strategies for the neurotypical world, it needs to be made clear that our home lives are our own, and that in making them bespoke to our requirements, we will have much more energy and ability to engage in the things outside of our comfort zones which are obligated. This is just a short outline of my thoughts, and does not include any research or citations, but it’s something I wish to think about more as I start my PhD next year.
Have a lovely Christmas, I hope you get to relax in a space which works for you.